


i've been searching for days, but you're still not here and i'm still not me without you

by perihelion (mattratat)



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: M/M, baking fic, let riku meet the traverse town gang 2020, set in between remind and limit cut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:02:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25766410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattratat/pseuds/perihelion
Summary: After another bout of nightmares, Riku finds a confidant and a moment of comfort in a dimly lit kitchen.
Relationships: Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47
Collections: Re⊕Collect: A Soriku Fic Collection





	i've been searching for days, but you're still not here and i'm still not me without you

**Author's Note:**

> for the soriku re:collect zine!

Riku woke with a start, a pounding chest, and a bleeding heart.

It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dark as he tried to catch his breath, the last lights of the nightmare fading from his vision.

How he wished he could erase them from his aching heart forever.

The nightmares—no, nightmare was more fitting—never seemed to deviate much. The changes between them were so minute that Riku only began to recognize them after night after night of the same wretched dreams.

Sora was there. Riku would call out to him until his throat was raw, but he never listened.

The nightmare always played out the same way. It never changed, no matter how hard Riku begged and pleaded.

Instead, Riku changed.

Sometimes, he was himself, watching from the sidelines, screaming until the pain in his throat was so great he thought he might cough blood and his voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper. They never listened.

Sometimes, he was the stranger, fighting Sora. Every ounce of his body screamed as he fought, desperate to tell Sora the truth, to reach out to him and plead with him to please, _please_ come home. His heart seemed to burst with the effort, but the words never left his mouth.

Sometimes he was the stranger fighting Sora, and he was so desperate to win. He had to best him, to smother the light before it burned itself out of him, knowing that Sora was hurling himself forward, exploding like a supernova. He had to smother him, to save him before it was too late.

He was never Sora.

And it always ended the same.

Sora, beautiful in his crystal prison.

Riku, alone and afraid in his bed.

Loneliness was nothing new. Loneliness... Riku could deal with that.

Fear? Fear was a new monster entirely. With fear came uncertainty. With uncertainty came doubt and, suddenly, Riku would be paralyzed with all of it, unable to choke out a single breath as the anxiety gripped at his chest, squeezing his heart between its fingers.

Where was Sora? He’d wonder.

Was he alone? Was he scared? What if he was hurt, what if he was waiting for Riku, for help?

What if Sora was already gone?

He shouldn’t, he _couldn’t_ think things like that. But... the thoughts still found him.

They were easier to ignore during the day, when he could pretend he wasn’t aching to feel the weight of Sora’s body pressed against his side. That his shoulder didn’t feel too light where Sora’s head had rested so many times. That his chest felt empty without Sora’s heartbeat ticking alongside his in the dark, together in tune.

It was moments like these he hated the most. When he was alone, lying in the dark, wondering if he’d ever really find Sora.

He knew he would—he _had_ to—but… how could he have faith when the darkness felt suffocating and he couldn’t close his eyes without seeing Sora’s face in those last moments?

Riku hadn’t known then. He’d been so foolish. He shouldn’t have let him go alone.

They’d been apart for so long. He’d been desperate—so desperate to believe that everything would be okay in the end that he’d never stopped to consider that it might not be. That Sora might not come back to him this time.

What a fucking joke he was.

If he tried hard enough, he could almost imagine the weight of Sora’s hand in his.

If he squeezed his eyes tight enough, he could pretend that he’d be looking into Sora’s when he opened them. That he’d be greeted with Sora’s lazy smile, his awful bedhead, and sunshine filtering through the air.

He threw an arm over his eyes, trying not to groan too loud. He didn’t want to wake anyone; he’d learned that the walls were thin when he fell asleep listening to the sounds of Aerith and Leon talking late into the night.

He hadn’t been able to make out what they’d been discussing, but the soft tones of their conversation had lulled him to sleep in no time.

And what a miracle that was. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to fall asleep peacefully.

Not that it lasted, of course.

He pressed his face down into his pillow, groaning. How many hours had he been asleep? One? Two?

He checked his Gummiphone, confirming that he’d been out for about an hour before he heard the noise.

Someone was humming in the kitchen.

Riku found himself rolling off the couch and making his way towards the sound, not quite on alert, but wary.

The lights were dimmed, but still bright enough to dazzle him. He blinked rapidly in a futile attempt to make his eyes adjust. When he could look into the kitchen without his eyes watering, he caught sight of Aerith, messing with the microwave.

Her back was turned to him, so he turned to go back to the couch without bothering her, but his Gummiphone beeped in his hand with a notification.

Aerith turned and jumped at the sight of him, half gasping, “Riku?”

“I’m sorry,” he quickly said, his heart sinking at his folly. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He truly hadn’t, but he must have been quite a sight, standing in the doorway and staring at her.

She recovered quickly, waving his apologies away with her spatula. “It’s perfectly alright. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

Riku shook his head. “No.”

“Good!” she said. “Hm… Since you’re up, mind giving me a hand?”

He blinked in surprise, but nodded. “Sure.”

“Great!” She beamed at him, but her bright smile didn’t quite seem to reach her eyes like it did during the day. “Crack some eggs in that bowl for me, will you? Three should do it.”

He got to work. Aerith began to hum again, a tune he didn’t recognize as he carefully cracked the eggs, making sure that none of the shell made it into the bowl. “Now what?”

“You need to beat them!” Aerith answered cheerfully, handing him a whisk without sparing a look his way, as her attention was still on the mix of dry ingredients she was putting together.

The work was monotonous, watching the whites start to mix with the yolks as he whisked them, so it was hard to keep his mind from wandering. Unsurprisingly, it wandered to Sora. The ache in his heart was a familiar, dull pain by now, not yet lessened by the passage of time. The fear of uncertainty seemed to grip at the corners of his mind, clawing at him, trying to pull his head under water.

Selfishly, he wanted closure. He envied the woman laying flowers on a grave, a sad but knowing look in her eyes. He envied her certainty and he hated himself for it. How lovely it must be to know, to not stay awake haunted by the what-ifs every night.

It hadn’t been this bad, he thought, the last time. When Sora had slept for so, so long.

He’d known, then, that he was going to get Sora back. No matter what it took, he would save him. There was a clear path, he’d known what to do. It wasn’t pretty and he wasn’t proud of it, but he’d always _known_ that Sora would be okay in the end.

Now?

Nothing was certain. He hated it.

When he was younger, he thrived on uncertainty. He wanted the adventure, the adrenaline, the thrill of an unknown path ahead.

He’d give anything for a clear path now.

“They should be good to add together now!” Aerith exclaimed, startling him out of his thoughts. “Pass ‘em over.”

Riku slid her the bowl.

Aerith caught the bowl easily, glancing up at him, her expression softened as her head tilted slightly, brown bangs falling in front of her face. “What’s bugging you?”

He wondered if Aerith would understand if he tried to explain it to her.

“Sora. Just... the uncertainty,” he started, pausing as he tried to find the right words.

But the words wouldn’t come, so he floundered before her as he attempted to explain himself.

Thankfully, she finished the sentence for him. “Is the worst part? I know.”

“You do?” he asked.

She nodded, beginning to whisk the dry and wet ingredients together before answering. “It’s awful, isn’t it? It makes every moment feel like a waste.”

Riku nodded. “Something like that, yeah.”

How was he supposed to rest knowing Sora was out there?

Logically, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to find Sora if he was half dead from exhaustion. Still, it was hard to remember that. Every moment he wasn’t searching felt like he was letting Sora down.

“Is there anyone you miss?” Riku asked suddenly, desperate for a momentary distraction.

Aerith smiled, but her whisking became noticeably more aggressive. “Something like that. I don’t know. Taste this.”

Riku licked the whisk when she held it out to him. “It’s sweet.”

“Good.” She rinsed the whisk before handing it back to him. “I just need to add the chocolate chips and then we’ll be done! Want to stir them in?”

He didn’t particularly care either way, so Riku nodded, taking the whisk from her so she could pour a mound of chocolate chips into the dough.

“There you go!”

“These might be the best batch yet,” Aerith said, clasping her hands together in delight. “It’s hard to find good help these days, so, thanks, Riku.”

He snorted, working the chips into the dough as he spoke, “Not a problem. Though, you might have better luck if you tried to bake during the day, you know.”

“Ah, well,” Aerith shrugged. “What am I supposed to do when I can’t sleep, then? We’d end up with far too many sweets.”

Riku wanted to ask what kept her up at night, but after she’d dodged his question earlier, he doubted he’d get much of a real answer. “Fair, but I can’t imagine you wouldn’t have plenty of willing participants to eat them.”

“Leon could eat an entire batch on his own!” she laughed. “But he’d never admit it.”

Riku tried to picture that but failed. Leon still hadn’t quite warmed up to Riku, but he’d definitely seemed to take Sora’s disappearance personally.

Sora really had touched so many lives, it was hard to believe sometimes. And yet, here Riku was, faced with a houseful of people who were ready to go to war for him.

It was hard, sometimes, to keep himself from mourning the life he and Sora could have had, to stop himself from seeing greener grass on the other side.

But, in moments like these, he was proud of them. Proud of everything they’d accomplished, proud of the lives they’d saved. Most of all, he was proud of Sora. He’d accomplished so much, had touched so many people and inspired even more.

But still. It was hard not to wonder.

Would the Keyblade have found him regardless of whether or not the Islands had fallen to darkness? Could he have mastered it without dragging Sora along? Without all the mistakes he’d made along the way?

Then again, he never would have wanted to leave Sora behind. And Sora surely wouldn’t have let him.

And what if it didn’t? What lives would they have lived if the Keyblade never came calling?

Would they have still lived their lives together?

Would they still be together right now, under the stars on the beach?

“Penny for your thoughts?” Aerith asked, interrupting said thoughts as she rolled a chunk of dough into a ball.

Riku hadn’t even realized he’d zoned out.

“Just... thinking about Sora,” Riku answered honestly.“Again.”

Aerith smiled. “I had a feeling. You should have more faith in yourself, you know.”

“Huh?”

“If anyone can find him, it’s you,” she said, adding another ball of dough onto the tray.

Riku sighed. Once upon a time, he would have agreed, but after nearly a year of searching to no avail, his confidence was starting to waver.

Aerith seemed to pick up on his hesitation, because she put her hand on her hip and waved a finger at him with the other. “I’m serious! You should believe in yourself a little more.”

“I... believe in myself,” Riku said.

And he did. Or, he used to. The longer the search went on, the less certainty he felt about anything.

She raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying his bullshit. “If you say so.”

He didn’t know what to say to that, but was thankfully saved from answering by his own yawn.

“Why don’t you go lie down on the couch while I get these in the oven?” Aerith suggested. “I’ll come get you when they’re ready to eat.”

Riku felt a little rude leaving her alone with nothing but the ticking of the oven, but he still nodded. “Yeah, all right.”

Using his Gummiphone’s flashlight, he made his way back into the living room where his couch was still waiting for him.

He didn’t know when he started thinking of it as “his couch”. He’d surely spent enough nights on it, jutting back and forth between worlds as he searched. They’d even started leaving a pillow and blanket out for him. It was hard to not feel sad, since he wouldn’t have a place here if it weren’t for Sora’s absence, and yet, he had a place here.

Sora was going to be so excited when he saw how well Riku was getting along with all of his friends. The thought made Riku smile. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see Sora’s bright smile now, and if he focused hard enough, he could hear the excited cadence of his voice when he told Riku he was proud of him.

The day would come when it wouldn’t just be Riku’s imagination. He was sure of it. Maybe Aerith was right when she said he should believe in himself a little more.

After all, he’d saved Sora’s ass before. He could do it again.

The blanket was warm and, for the first night in many, Riku’s heart was filled with hope. He told himself he’d stay awake and wait for Aerith, but it didn’t take long for his eyelids to grow heavy.

For once, Riku’s sleep was peaceful and when he woke, there was a plate of cookies waiting for him on the kitchen counter and beside them, a single yellow flower.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u so much for reading!!! 
> 
> have a great day!!!<3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [If a Cookie Gives You Words](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25815961) by [kei (knittenkitten)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/knittenkitten/pseuds/kei)




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